Last Day

It is my final day of my final vacation of the year. I am lucky that after almost 20 years at the same workplace, I get 4 weeks of vacation a year. I try to take full weeks at a time, because they seem to help me get through the year. This last day is always the saddest for me, because it means I am soon entering the worst time of the year.

I get to look forward to the Holidays. I know many in my family love this time of year, and I did too, at some point in my life. Once you have worked retail, you will completely understand my feelings.

My entire year at work is spent with not enough time and too much to do, but at Christmas that increases many times over. Add in all of the other issues: crabby shoppers, increased phone calls, extra hours without overtime pay, needy employees, people calling in sick when they aren't sick, cold weather, electronics breaking down after being overworked, and I could keep going, but you didn't sign up to be bored with my grief.

I am pretty sure there is a secret pool the other associates conduct on when Kelly has her breakdown over the holidays. It can happen at any time for any reason, and I just don't have any control over it. It doesn't matter who is around when it happens, they get the wrath even if they don't deserve it. Usually the major one occurs only once between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can't help it, the pressure of everyone around you always needing something from you breaks me. I don't know what I can do to offset that problem. I know the best way is to remove myself from the need when I feel the pressure building, but unfortunately in my job I can't just leave for some quiet time when I want to. Can you imagine me yelling out to the 10 people in my line I have to go, they are out of luck, because I am ready to lose my cool? How would you feel if you were waiting in that line? I can bet that every person waiting would be thinking "how dare she, I NEED her to help me because I NEED to buy this." See, the need is always there.

I try to get it to go away when I'm at home, but there is only so much venting and talking I can do with anyone. For some reason, I just need to blow my top. Exercising will not help, my job is already physical enough. I am so physically exhausted that my sleep is focused on refreshing my body, not my mind. Alchohol is not the answer, then I lose control of my body but my mind continues to spin.

I do appreciate my family during this season. I know they understand and try to help. I know they agree that I need to find a new job, but in today's economy, that is not going to happen. All I can do is wait it out, get through next January, and then mentally forget the problems until the end of next October, when the cycle begins again.

If I forget to say it later "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!".